Oh this one was a special session for me, and she was hand selected and asked by me as soon as I found out she was pregnant again!! Meris used to work at my OBGYN’s office. She and I hit it off because we both struggled hard with infertility and loss. I will post her story here in a moment. I specifically remember when I had my miscarriage the June before I got pregnant with Pippa. She was sooo supportive and loving. She then had a miscarriage of her own which devastated me! Well, I was expecting Pippa, and she told me she was newly pregnant…..and then she dissapeared from the office. Now, she just moved to a different office, but the worst went through my mind….she lost another baby, she couldn’t handle being around all these pregnant women while she kept trying to get pregnant.
THEN about 9 months later, I was holding a mini session for the Columbus Babywearing group. All of the sudden the beautiful, pasty pale (i can relate since i am pasty pale), gorgeous dark haired girl from my OBGYN’s office starts walking towards me…..holding this STUNNING baby girl!!! HER RAINBOW BABY!!!!!
So, this session isn’t about her first Rainbow baby, Ren, this is for Finley…..Meris went on to have more losses….but I will let you read her story!
“Doctors have long been confused by my recurrent miscarriages. My entire laboratory work-up was completely normal from head to toe. There wasn’t even one small lab value out of range, nothing to suggest why my body kept failing me. Thousands of dollars of tests were run, including carrier mutation screenings and full genetic karyotyping for my husband and me. I had invasive procedures done to see if I had a structural abnormality, but when all was said and done, there was no answer. The only thing they could possibly point to was that I ovulate about a week later than most people, and perhaps this was the source of our problems.
My OB was incredible, and I will forever be in her debt for the loving care she provided to my husband and to me. When we lost our fifth baby, Jordan, in 2015, I came unglued in her office. She held me and let me cry to her, offering me no empty platitudes or hollow words—just love and support. I remember she told me that day, “Meris, I promise you will have your take-home baby. I promise we can make it happen, but I can’t promise you won’t lose more babies along the way. If it becomes too much, you’ll know when it’s time to stop trying and explore other avenues.” She was absolutely right—I had lost five babies by this time, but I knew I still had some fight left in me.
We decided to seek infertility treatments in the hopes that forcing my ovulation early would solve the issue. I took medication to induce ovulation, and after an ultrasound to examine my ovaries, I gave myself an injection to trigger ovulation. And then, I waited. For a week and a half I held my breath, too scared to hope. And then there it was—a second line. My first hormone levels were so low that I thought there was no chance this would develop into a normal pregnancy. But then my levels rose! And they kept rising! I still remained unconvinced.
I had never seen a heartbeat on any of my ultrasounds. Not once did I get to see or hear the beating of my children’s hearts, so when we went for our early confirmation scan, I knew it was too good to be true, and there would be nothing to see. Instead, when my little bean shaped baby came up on the monitor, I could see the flickering heartbeat immediately. And then I heard it. The most incredible sound I’ve heard to this day. “Whoosh whoosh whoosh,” the sound of my strong little fighter.
Our daughter Ren was born in August 2016, and hearing her cry for the first time is still the most relief I’ve ever felt in my life. I was absolutely positive throughout the pregnancy that it was all too good to be true, and we would lose her along the way. But there she was—my perfect little rainbow.
After some time had passed, we decided we wanted to try for one more. I was terrified every step of the way, and had my worst fears realized when I lost two more babies during the course of our infertility treatments. We had a much harder time with our second attempt, and wound up pursuing induced ovulation with intrauterine insemination (IUI). Twice, it failed, and we only had one more shot before they would make us move on to other more invasive and expensive treatment options.
The day of the final IUI, I went alone so my husband could take care of our daughter at home. After the transfer was complete, I laid alone in the procedure room with my hands low on my belly. “Please,” I asked my body aloud, “please work. Please.” I remained on the table for fifteen minutes just saying that word over and over, willing my body to hear me. Please.
Two weeks later, I saw that second line, and again began the impossible process of trying not to get my hopes up. Every night I would fall asleep with my hands on my stomach, talking to the little bundle of cells I hoped was settling in for a comfortable nine months. I told that little clump of cells how much I loved it, how much I believed in it, how much I couldn’t wait to see its perfect face.
Two weeks later we had our ultrasound, and hope seemed lost. All we could see was an empty sac. My amazing OB refused to stop looking. She spent over fifteen minutes making the slightest adjustments, moving the wand just millimeters at a time. And finally, there it was. The smallest little blip of white in a mass of emptiness. So small, there wasn’t even enough to measure. But as I held my breath, we saw those little flickering pixels on the screen. It had a heartbeat. For the second time in my life, I had a baby with a heartbeat.
This pregnancy hasn’t been an easy one, but it’s been worth every bit of pain I’ve endured during it. Our son, Finley, is due to join us in late October.
Losing pregnancy after pregnancy is one of the hardest things I’ve ever personally endured. There is no loss I’ve experienced that is comparable to the loss of a child. But I am thankful to those babies for their brief presence in my life. I am thankful to them for teaching me about love, perseverance, hope, and loss. I am thankful to them, because without their loss I
One of my favorite things about Meris, is she wasn’t afraid to show her beautiful bare maternity belly!! She used dresses from our maternity wardrobe. Including the cream lace one at the end from Sew Trendy Accessories!